Love, Time, and Everything in Between
by riyangendut
Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman, LA Winter, and a love once thought to be forgotten in time. [ABANDONED]
1. Chapter 1

I forgot when was the last time I slept.

I haven't seen her for fifteen years, since that time she allowed her feelings to overflow and let herself cry on my chest. I haven't heard of her, nor had she heard of me since then, since the graduation that peeled off a layer that separated us and yet brought forth a new insurmountable wall between us.

* * *

 _"We could never be together." the woman suppressed her sobs "It's not even our fault, it's just..."_

 _"I don't understand, both of us want to be together, so..."_

 _"Damn right you don't, after all, there's nothing wrong about you."_

 _"Nor about you, why should we be bound by judging voices of those that never even try to understand us?"_

 _A chuckle slipped between her tears "Yeah, that's just like you, always free, bound by no one but yourself." her arms tensed, my arms tightened, and I burried my head in her hair._

 _"But I can't be like that."_

 _"Shizu-" she released her arms and shook me free._

 _"Congratulations on graduating, Hikigaya-kun,and may fate let us meet again."_

* * *

I watched as snow piled up on my window, a cup of coffee sitting cold right beside. No light could be seen beyond the window, it's been late at night after all. Myriad of notes, calculations, and design paper strewn all the way from the base of the coffee cup to the pen on my hand.

 _Thinking again, I didn't even tell Komachi until I landed in LAX._

I became obsessed with Einstein's relativity in the last weeks before final exam. Pursuing the impossible ideas of reverting time, I went into a frenzy and finished high school with third best grade in my year, the first and second unsurprisingly filled by Yukinoshita and Hayama.

No one, not even my family knew that I took the exam for UCLA until I actually got there. No one knew about the plane ticket I reserved, several trips I took to make the passport and obtain visa. I bought a new phone and a new number out of necessity and only ever called Komachi biweekly, ignoring and sometimes blacklisting the friends and families that were simply worried for me.

For me, the past is something to pursue, not something to indulge in.

"Fifteen." A soft voice came from behind me, from a girl under my supervision that insisted to join me in the pursuit of futility. She suddenly stood up, the paper on her hand still wet with ink.

"Yeah, it's been fifteen years already, huh." the girl frowned, while I spun my chair to look at her work.

"No, _sensei_ , it's fifteen _._ It's the answer. The Hikigaya constant, it's fifteen!"

"Well, you're the one who found it so shouldn't we call it Eidelfelt constant instead? And stop calling me _sensei._ "

"Flattery would get you nowhere! And it's the answer you sought for last seven years, so shouldn't you be happier?" I sighed

"You miscalculated seventh and twelfth iteration, which snowballs, heh, into next iterations." I picked up her empty cup of coffee and dumped it to the dishwasher. "You should go home and sleep, maybe then you could stop calling me _sensei._ "

The girl pouted, but obeyed me nonetheless.

* * *

Her calculation was otherwise perfect, if not for two comma shifts in the aforementioned iteration.

Hikigaya constant, the required reality distortion to turn back time without dismantling matters into primordial energy and glassing an entire city. Of course, the risk it carried means no experiment could be done without knowing the upper limit of how many times we could twist reality, and even then experiment could only be done in a facility on the far side of the Moon.

 _Ninety Paradox Vertices required to transport a kilogram of matters, with maximum limit of five thousand vertices, limiting time travel to a maximum mass of fifty five kilogram. The universe is more resilient to change than I thought._

I almost felt sorry to the fat old men in the board that wanted to escape reality to the past, but I never cared about them in the first place. On a whim, I stepped to a bathroom scale on the corner of the room.

Thirty eight. That's how much I weight. I suddenly realized I haven't eaten for an entire day, nor has the Eidelfelt girl, and I found myself punching her cell number to the university phone.

"Eh, _sensei? Moshee moshee._ "

"I'm on a good mood so I'll ignore that horrible Japanese impression. Has you reached home yet?"

"Not yet, I have to pick up some groceries..."

"Good, meet me at the Silver Frame in fifteen minutes."

"Eeeh?!" _click._

* * *

"Cheers for Hikigaya- _sensei_!"

"Cheers..." Karenina Eidelfelt raised her wine glass jovially while I followed with my cup of coffee, a medium-rare sirloin steak steaming in front of each of us.

"C'mon _sensei,_ this is the achievement of your life! Be more cheerful!"

"We hadn't received the result from LABS and won't be for another week. I'm just treating you as a thanks..."

"Excuses, excuses!" Karenina grinned from ears to ears. "So, you finally have time for yourself, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've spent seven years pursuing the secret of time travel, so I think now that you have found at least clue on where to go, you should go out more, meet more people, give a time for yourself..."

"No." I cut through her words. "Not until the theory is complete, not until I could reach..." I sighed, Karenina hadn't moved at all since I started speaking "Listen, Eidelfelt."

She suddenly wolfed down the entire steak, refilled and emptied the wine glass thrice, and left me alone.

Suddenly I felt like burying myself.

* * *

I ate the remainder of the steak mechanically, the tender meat tasted like cardboard paper for me (which I could tell from experience). I walked down the empty road to my flat, crashing my body to the bed.

We met again in the study room at the edge of campus building a week later, after receiving the simulation result and permission to do actual experiment. This time, no Eureka moment, no celebratory dinner, only a cup of Earl Grey tea in the now tidy room accompanied by humms of space heater working overtime.

"Mr. Hikigaya," Karenina breached the silence "don't you miss home?"

"I do." I cursed my inability to respond appropriately to her.

"We have a month before the facility come online, why don't you go home?"

I sipped my tea in silence.

" _Sensei, kotaete kudasai._ " She spoke with heavily accented, but arguably better Japanese than the first time she met me.

"I don't know, Eidelfelt." She suddenly rummaged through her bag for a second and pulled out two tickets, with Narita International Airport as destination. I stared with blank eyes.

"Why?"

"No reason. I just felt like dragging you back home."

"I have no one left in Japan."

"Nonsense." She sighed "Komachi-san missed you."

"I don't appreciate you talking to her behind my back..." She stared into my eyes.

"She missed you." Her eyes filled with determination. "Hiratsuka- _sensei_ missed you."

"You know then."

"Yes."

"The reason I wanted to rewind time, the reason I went to UCLA..."

"Yes, and more." I stood up.

"When would the plane departs?"

"In two days."

"Go all the way and pick me up, then." I left her alone, leaving the tea and the smile on her face.

* * *

Jetlag was worse than I thought, Japan was colder than I remember, and the airport was less crowded than the last time I was here.

"Remind me not to follow your whims again..." I held my head as I walked through the sparse crowd of fellow travelers.

" _Onii-chan_!" A girl with disturbingly similar appearance to Haruno Yukinoshita waved to me, and then widen her eyes in a shock "My _Onii-chan_ is walking with a girl!?"

"Aah, sorry for lying, my real name is Karenina, not George." A mischievous smirk adored Karenina's face, her Japanese had become strangely fluent in the space of several days.

"Shock! My _Onii-chan_ has finally become an adult!"

"It's not like that." I rebutted halfheartedly, before hugging Komachi. "I'm home, Komachi."

"Yeah, welcome home, _Onii-chan._ " And then I noticed the woman behind her.

"No hug for me?" She teasingly smirked, and I released Komachi.

"Hiratsuka- _san._ Long time no see."

"Long time indeed, long enough to find a replacement?"

"Have you?" I subconsciously threw my gaze to her ring finger.

"No, no I haven't."

"Here, Karenina! Let me show you around!" Komachi dragged Karenina away from the two of us, both of them smiling happily.

"Slow down, Hikigaya- _san_!"

"Komachi is fine!" their voice faded into the bustling airport.

Shizuka smiled again, gently, and this time I'm the one who cried on her arms

* * *

 **Sooo, that's an Oregairu fic for a change. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

 **I actually wanted to make Hachiman went back in time solely that I could use the line _"I've been through infinite universe and fought against time itself just so I could be with you."_ but then Karenina Eidelfelt showed up and become more than I initially wanted her to be, and dragging the story her way instead of what I wanted it to be...**

 **Eh I dunno, I have never been the best to follow the line I drew myself.**

 **Review is always welcomed. riyangendut out.**


	2. Chapter 2 : Reminiscence

**Before I start this chapter I'd like to say a few thing: Guys, I dunno what that Fanfic critics guy had done here, I appreciate that you guys encouraged me to move forward without caring about him, and that's what I planned to do anyway. And that's what you guys have to do too: ignore him.**

 **What he said wasn't nice, sure, but none of that was wrong: I still have a lot to learn. All of us have a lot to learn-that's part of what being human means. I appreciate that he/she/they at least read my fanfic, which is the reason why I posted this story here in the first place: to have people read it. Thank you, all of you guys, including Fanfic Critics whoever and wherever you are.**

 **I don't own "** _ **Ore no Seishun Love Come ga Machigatteiru**_ **". Never have, never will.**

* * *

Chapter 2: Reminiscence, a Cup of Tears and Cyanide

Unsurprisingly, a lot had changed after 15 years. The most surprising change, however, was the fact that Shizuka stopped smoking.

"I don't see the point anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and smoking wouldn't change anything."

She does, however, developed sweet tooth.

"Girls have second stomach for sweets and all that jazz..." She isn't exactly a girl, though...

We spent half an hour catching up, telling stories, holding hands, drinking tea...

"Karenina looks like a good girl." Shizuka suddenly said.

"Her? Yeah, maybe. I never thought about it."

"Really?"

"What, are you jealous or something?"

"To tell you the truth, yeah, I guess I am jealous. I had given up on us when you suddenly left for LA. I thought you had as well. I thought we will never meet again. And she... Karenina was on your side all this time." She laughed weakly "Look what you have done, Hachiman, you made this middle-aged woman behave like a high-school girl."

I smiled "is that really a bad thing? You're cuter this way." She nudged my ribs. And then we walked together in silence, burried under the bustling Tokyo metropolitan.

"Shizuka, can I ask you something?"

"Hmm? Yeah, sure."

But my vision went dark before I could say anything.

* * *

There are several fixed points in the timeline, events that cannot be changed even if we went back in time. It's almost as if the time itself has a will, and seeing as humanity managed to become self-aware in our limited existence, it mightn't be too far-fetched to think of the entire universe as a giant consciousness.

A friend once coined the term "Boltzmann Simulacrum" for this Will of the Universe, but I doubt anyone remember he ever said it except me. And even that was because the sight in front of my eyes.

Within the blackness I found myself floating in, an inhumanly beautiful girl stood.

Her slender body gave a fragile look, with silver hair, slightly elongated face and pointed ears. She was clad in a sleeveless dress with ever-changing patterns, as if every possibility in the world were born of her dress. Although she looks no older than Komachi or Karenina, her dark eyes exuded an old feeling, as if she had experienced all happiness and sadness there is, as if she had felt the joy of every birth and the pain of every death. Several concentric halo adorned her head, with six arrow protruding from the center to the edge of the halo.

"Beautiful." The girl turned her eyes on me as I cursed my off-hand remarks. _No wonder everyone think you're a creep, Hikigaya-kun._

"Thank you. Time has been a lot of thing: cruel, cold, ruthless, merciless, but rarely does a human describe Time as beautiful." Expressionlessly, the girl descended to my eye level.

"Who are you?"

"I have a lot of name, Hikigaya Hachiman. Human had called me Chronos, Chaos, Ymir, Ptah, Tangram, Ahrimann, Tiamat, Vishnu. But I suppose the name closest to you would be the Boltzmann Simulacrum."

"You are the Will of the Universe." I concluded.

"Correct. There are not many beings of limited existence that ever see me like you do, although I'm always right on their side."

Silence. The ever-changing pattern on her dress made my head dizzy, so I focused on her pale, almost translucent complexion.

"Don't you have something to ask, human?" _Gee, no of course not, I'm standing in front of the consciousness that represent the entire Universe, I have no question at all._

"Why did you bring me here?"

"Because you're one of few that dare defy me. Know, Hikigaya Hachiman, time is irrelevant. Future and past are irrelevant. Here you could reach for them equally, here is your dream."

"But reaching your dream here is not what you do. Without reason, you would cease to exist. First, you have to remember."

"Remember what? How far do I have to remember? What past should I seek?"

"Time is irrelevant. _I am_ irrelevant. It is not time you should seek."

And then the girl, the Boltzmann Simulacrum disappeared.

* * *

I woke up in a hospital room, surrounded by smell of disinfectants and various drugs. As my eyes gained focus I could recognize three girls, scratch that, two girls and a woman standing beside my bed.

"Are you okay?" The woman, Shizuka, asked me while Komachi rushed to hug me.

 _Don't worry, I just met a personification of time itself, I'm_ perfectly _fine._

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's probably just an aftereffect of the jet lag."

"Well, the doctor did say that you're just sleeping. But please, next time just tell me that you're tired. Collapsing in the middle of the road like that, you made all of us worried." Shizuka playfully chopped my forehead.

"Sorry."

"Well, I'll leave you here, you probably need several more hours to rest." Karenina inexplicably turned to face the white wall as if it's the most interesting thing in the world, as Shizuka bent forward to kiss my forehead. "Good night."

She left the room, Karenina following in silence shortly after. Komachi, however, is still hugging my body.

"Hey, I'm fine." I patted her head, her hair significantly longer than the last time I saw her.

 _Well, it's been fifteen years. People change, and I can't see her through text messages._

"Komachi?" Her arms tightened.

"I told you Haruno-san passed away several years ago, right?" I vaguely remembered a text message about the grim news, but I never heard anything else about that matter.

"I think I remember, yeah."

"I never told you how she died."

"No, I don't think you told me."

"She passed away suddenly in the middle of a party. There wasn't any warning, she just collapsed right away. Yukino-san told me that it's because of a heart attack, culmination of years of untreated heart disease."

"I see." _It made sense that she was more worried than Karenina or Shizuka. While Shizuka might know about Haruno-san's sudden passing, she would be able to think logically, and Karenina doesn't know about that. The event would have scarred Komachi more than anyone, even Yukinoshita._

 _Speaking about Karenina, she hadn't talked with me since we gotten out of the airport._

"Don't worry, I'm fine."

"Fine? You? What a joke. You're _never_ fine. You're even thinner than the last time I saw you. You always took the burden of everything on your own shoulder. You always sacrificed yourself before you asked for help. You and your stupid, twisted altruism." She suddenly raised her head in a fit of a rage, tears and hairs strewn across her face.

"Komachi..."

"I finally got to meet you again, so please, don't leave me..." Slowly, she laid her head across my chest.

"I...I'm sorry." I hesitantly patted her head.

* * *

I don't remember when I fell asleep.

What I _do_ remember, is someone tugging at my sleeve in the middle of the night.

I groaned groggily, trying to read the clock on the wall. _Two AM? Is anyone even allowed to enter the hospital at this time?_ I looked to my chest where Komachi was sleeping, but her hands were folded neatly under her head.

" _Sensei._ " Yep there's only one person in the world who would call me that.

"Karenina? What are you doing?" I turned to face the source of the voice, a shadow in the corner of the room. "No, more importantly, how did you get here?"

"I never left the hospital." _Okaay, that solves one mystery, but brings two more question. Oh, wait._

"Ah, we never showed you our home, silly me. Sorry. Let me..."

"No, no it's fine. Don't wake her up."

"But-"

"I reserved a hotel room nearby."

"In Tokyo?"

"Yes."

"But I told you our home is in Chiba, right?"

"Yes, Hiratsuka-san also sent me a map. But I decided to book the first flight."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"I got an e-mail, the experiment starts tomorrow. I told them you need some time here, but they need at least one of us to be present at the initial run and calibration."

I reached for my phone, and there it was, an e-mail about the experiment.

"I'll book the next flight available-"

"No."

"No? Why not? This is my dream, this is what I've worked on these past fifteen years-"

"Can't you see? Komachi needs you." She gestured towards Komachi's sleeping figure. "This nation needs you. Hiratsuka- _san_ needs you. You have no more past to chase, no more reason to reach for the impossible."

"But-"

"Me however, I still have the reason to walk down that path. No, it's more like being here made me realize that I _do_ have a reason to reach for the impossible."

"What? What do you mean with that?"

"You once said that the past is something to obtain, not to indulge in. Well, you have obtained your past. You have fulfilled your purpose." She turned towards the door. "I wish we don't meet again, _sensei._ "

"Wait, Karenina!" But she left the room.

 _She wishes we don't meet again? What is she going to do with the past?!_

* * *

 **Ookay, there's a lot of things happening, I kinda messed up the story flows, the pacing, the plot, well, that's basically everything.**

 **More characters coming up next chapter, maybe, if I ever write that out. Fingers crossed, everyone ;P.**

 **Critics and Reviews are always welcome. riyangendut out.**


	3. Chapter 3 : Hikigaya Constant

**It made no sense, wasn't it? The last chapter, I mean.**

 **Well, the next chapter is here -faster than I thought, I can't promise it would start making some sense, though...**

* * *

Chapter 3: Hikigaya Constant

It seems like even after researching about time travel for fifteen years, the contradiction produced by such outrageous concept never ceases to confuse me. If anything, it became more confusing than ever the longer I study about it. Time travel breeds a lot of contradictions and paradoxes, almost as if it's the Pandora's Box itself, and humanity hadn't even invented it outside of fictions. The closer I am to the secret of time travel, the more I'm scared of the horrors it might introduce to the world. No wonder Alex Scarrow used codename 'Pandora' across his 'Time Rider' series.

Today I got to experience the confusing byproduct of time travel firsthand. Last night, I swear I went to sleep in a hospital room somewhere in Tokyo, with Komachi still hugging me. This morning, however, I woke up in my study room all the way in Los Angeles, amidst the pieces of paper strewn over the table.

A paper had some number and a circle written in red ink. _Hc = 90 Pd/Kg._

I knew those number from another world I just left. Hikigaya Constant, the amount of Paradox needed to transport matter through time.

 _So she actually went and changed the history, huh? Good thing I_ 'persuaded' _those engineers up at LABS to make me a personal Paradox Generator - not enough to transfer me through time, but enough to protect my memories from the resulting retroactive correction._

 _There's an anime with that exact setting, wasn't there?!_

I groggily turned into the digital clock at the edge of table, which to my relief still showing the same date as before I went to sleep. My phone buzzed angrily, over fifty missed calls piled up from various number, but the number currently shown on its screen made me ( _slightly_ ) more awake.

I picked it up. "Hikigaya Hachiman, UCLA."

" _Richard Goldfort, NASA, heck you should've known who I am!_ " The voice from the other side of the phone was almost as lazy as I am, if not more. " _I got you the permission to join the shuttle departing next month. The higher ups weren't happy that you submitted the request at_ literally _eleventh hour, though._ "

"Well, it's the greatest invention in the history of mankind, after all. If you people don't want it, I'm sure the people at ISRO or LAPAN would be happy to take me in..."

" _Are you trying to get my head off my neck?! You better do your job correctly!_ " Goldfort sighed. " _Anyway, see you in a month._ "

"Yeah." _click._ As soon as he hung up, I punched another number to my phone, a number erased by the change of timeline...

" _Uh, hello, Edelfelt speaking._ "

"Miss Edelfelt, my name is Hikigaya Hachiman from UCLA..."

* * *

An hour later, I was sitting in a cafe with Karenina Edelfelt.

"Hello, my name is Hikigaya Hachiman, you are Karenina Edelfelt, I believe?"

"Yes, I am." she said without changing her posture. "Can we get straight to business?"

"Yes, I'm offering you a chance to be my research assistant for an experiment that would start in a little over a month at Artemis 3 lunar base." She gasped, her eyes wide with excitement.

"What kind of research?"

"Have you read my resume?"

"No, no I haven't." I suppressed a chuckle.

"You should have read it before meeting me, don't you think? What if I lied about being a UCLA researcher and I wanted to kidnap you?"

"Well, you didn't." She idly stirred her coffee. "Besides, someone had once told me a strangely specific advice: ' _Hikigaya Hachiman won't lie. Telling half-truth, maybe, but not outright lie._ ' Which is why I was really surprised when you told me that your name is Hikigaya Hachiman."

I know who might have told her that - _herself_ \- but I decided to ignore it.

"Anyway, it's accelerator physics experiment, utilizing the largest twin-ring hadron collider humanity ever built. I believe it is in your best interest to join us in this experiment."

"How did you find me anyway? And why me? We're not even in the same department - I'm a linguist. I don't see how you could find me, much less offer me to be your research assistant."

"Let's just say I'm acquainted with the same person who gave you that strange advice." _Technically true, but it's literally worlds apart._

"Hikigaya-kun?" suddenly a voice I loathed since my high school days interrupted.

* * *

I know time travel could result in some strange paradox, but this is too much even for me. I couldn't help but feel the Boltzmann Simulacrum girl held a grudge against me.

"Yukinoshita Haruno, fancy meeting you here."

"It's really Hikigaya-kun! Oh, were you on a date? I'm sorry for intruding then." It seems like Haruno automatically switched to Japanese when she saw my face. _Sigh, I don't even know whether I have to be relieved, disappointed, or angry._

"No, it's nothing of the sort. Please take a seat. Yukinoshita-san, this is Karenina Edelfelt. Miss Edelfelt, this is Yukinoshita Haruno."

"Good afternoon." The two of them shook each other's hand.

"What brings you here, Yukinoshita-san?"

"Well, after my mother's death, I became head of my family, so I've been on various business trips." Her smile was as bright as usual. "That aside, it's been really long since we last met, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, it's been fifteen years, after all."

"Umm, I think I should have my leave." Edelfelt stood up, and I followed shortly after. "Thank you for the offer, Hikigaya- _sensei,_ but I don't think I'd be up for that challenge. Yukinoshita-san." She bowed awkwardly.

"I'm sorry for taking your time, Miss Edelfelt. Have a nice day."

Silence. After Edelfelt's departure, Haruno peeled her smile off her face.

"So, what was your relationship-"

"None, we just met today." I cut her off. _Well, if you exclude our meeting in another timeline..._

"That's the first good news for today..." She sighed uncharacteristically. "Have you heard about Yukino-chan?"

I dug through my memories of the ten years' worth of text message between me and Komachi - two gigabytes of historical data I spent half an hour reading.

"She got married. Before you, unsurprisingly."

"Should I take offense or is it a compliment? I never understand you."

"It means I'm still the same, then." I sipped my coffee. "It's a compliment for Yukinoshita - your sister, I mean."

"How about you, Hikigaya-kun? Still chasing after Shizuka?" I almost choked.

"Why you-"

"It's not that hard to find out, really. ' _The greatest invention humanity ever build'_ is created over a kid's crush to his high school teacher, how cute." Her smile looks nothing like her normal facade, genuine but at the same time almost, _predatory._ "I still wonder why you hadn't proposed to her already. I mean-"

"Enough." I gritted my teeth. "My feelings aren't your toy." She simply laughed.

"You don't seem to understand, Hikigaya-kun. _Everything in this world_ are my playthings. Your feelings aren't exception, nor my sister's."

"Your sister's? So it's really your doing, then?"

"Hardly. You disappeared without a trace. She already gave up when I made her marry the heir of - well that part isn't important." I restrained myself from choking her. "Imagine the look on her face if I suddenly announce I'm getting married with her high school crush."

That's the final line.

"You won't, and you can't."

"Try me." She stood up. "See you again, Hikigaya-kun. I have a nice suit for you."

 _Well, I guess it's good thing I'm going to the moon next month. Hopefully she can't prepare a marriage in under a month..._

* * *

In the place beyond and yet inside the current universe, a girl frowned. The Boltzmann Simulacrum is the manifestation of the universe itself, so nothing should be beyond her grasp, and yet a woman rudely intruded in front of her.

"Who are you?" The question felt foreign in her -conceptual- mouth.

"I'm the only other person who succeeds in defying you, that much is certain."

In the place where the concept of ' _shockwave'_ and ' _heat_ ' doesn't exist, an explosion filled the empty darkness.

* * *

 **So, I guess that's the third chapter. A bit shorter than the previous ones, but at least it's more coherent, right?**

 **At least I think it is.**

 **Critics and Reviews are always welcome. riyangendut out.**


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